On Losing A Baby

The first thing that bothered me to no end was that the world continued to produce babies. I went through my pregnancy feeling alone, having no mom friends, no future friends for my future child, and, yet, when I lost her, suddenly babies were everywhere. Everyone was pregnant. I drove past people pushing strollers down the street and I was mad at them. Mad because my stroller was better. I had put hours upon hours of time and research finding what I wanted, and then more hours tracking one down, and these people went out to Walmart and bought the cheapest thing off the shelf - how did they deserve a baby more than I did? People would ask us, "how are you doing around other babies?" "Do you mind if these people bring their baby to dinner?" and Bill would immediately respond, "We're doing just fine, obviously people will keep having babies." "Yes, of course, we really want to meet their baby." But we were not just fine, we did not want to meet other babies. I was mad at the world for allowing babies to continue to be born. There should have at least been some 24 hour pause out of respect. But then no one would ever be born.

I spent the next month on the couch trying to allow stitches to heal after having had a bad tear. I was somewhere between living in filth and cleaning in pain. Bleeding seemed to last forever, and my milk coming in added insult to injury. It took a year to return to my original weight. All of these things would have been worthwhile, had there been a baby to share it with. But I was now a mother without a baby. Something that had never really been there was now missing. I needed a baby. I never knew what to say when faced with the question, "Do you have any kids?" Even when I was pregnant with Benjamin, the question, "is this your first?" confused me. If I said yes, I was in for stories about what pregnancy and labour are like, things I already knew. If I said no, I was asked questions about my first child. If I said, "first baby, second pregnancy", it meant getting into things. Too much complication for a simple question.

People always slip up. At first, they were careful to say the right things, bring up the right subjects, maybe fearing they would be responsible for me breaking into tears. I didn't want to be treated special, but on the other end of things, there were comments that hurt. Things like, "Lia's the first one of us to have a baby!" Not to single Lia out, or make her feel bad, or anyone for that matter. These things just come out. And it's not true. The truth is, "Lia's the first one of us to raise a baby." But how incredibly nit-picky does that sound? There's nobody to blame for this kind of situation, and it's always going to happen. But it doesn't stop it from feeling like a stab in the heart.

Laura was never supposed to be her name. At some point during the labor, some nurse or doctor told us we should consider thinking of a name, despite the situation - decide if we wanted to use one we had thought of or come up with something new. I said, "Well, we already have names picked out." Bill said, "We should save them for the next kid." Later, I read a blog of someone else who had lost a baby, and she had written, "Never save a name." That's the best advice I've ever read. But, who reads things like that until after the fact? We saved the names. Laura's a nice name. It's pretty. It encapsulated everything that I wished she could have been. But it will never be who she was supposed to be. For months after she was born, people would refer to "Laura" and I would think, "Who?" To me, she will always just be my baby girl. Never save a name. It could never really belong to your next kid anyway.

Romans 8:28. I would never tell anybody, "it's for the best." But you just never know what would have been. Maybe my baby girl would have grown up to be an axe murderer. I highly doubt it. It's really not worth dwelling on. Sometimes I have dreams about Benjamin having an older sister. She will always have a place in my heart. But even with her not here, I am incredibly happy now. I have a baby who needs unending attention and love. I have a man who supports me to no end and loves us both with his whole heart. How could I be luckier?

10 Things I Never Knew

about having a baby:

1. I always heard/read about this magic moment, when you first lay eyes on your baby, or when he wraps his finger around yours, or looks into your eyes, and your heart melts and he instantly becomes your whole world. That didn't happen. When I first saw him, I thought, "I'm so glad that part is over". When I was supposed to be enjoying his first moments alive, I was interrupted by contractions and placenta-delivering. When his eyes first met mine, I thought, "Oh good, he's not cross-eyed!" Maybe some people have THAT moment. But it's not essential - not having it doesn't mean you are any less of a parent.

2. The contractions continue. After the baby, after the placenta, your body continues to have contractions as your uterus shrinks. For the first few days, every time Benjamin nursed, I felt like I was still in labour. I don't remember this happening the first time around, and I've learned since that you feel it much more strongly the second time. It's not cool. But it's proof that your uterus is shrinking!

3. You have a lot of time on your hands. You always hear about people having babies and not knowing where the time goes, being in pajamas until noon. I'm in my pajamas right now, but this is by choice. I don't know how Benjamin has grown so very fast, but the days are long. This doesn't mean you have time to accomplish things. It means you have a lot of time sitting on your butt, either nursing or holding a sleeping baby. I've watched a lot of tv and spent countless hours playing on my phone. And shopping online. For diapers.

4. For the first couple of months, the "essential" baby swing was completely useless. The moment we put Ben down, he would cry. Everything had to be done with baby in arms.

5. Around 4-6 weeks, Benjamin cried for no reason. Every evening. This is the purple period. It's a real thing. We spent the evenings bouncing and walking him around the condo. If we thought he'd settled down and we tried to sit, the cries began again. And he's been such a good, happy baby!

6. It's ok to let him cry. When the above was happening, Matthew was working a lot and I was becoming exhausted. One time, when all of the bouncing and walking wasn't working, I had to leave him crying in his crib while I went and had a cry of my own for a couple of minutes. It's amazing what just minutes of alone time can do for you.

7. Sharing a hospital room sucks. We had signed up for a private room, but there were something like 30 births the night before we went in, and we had to share. This meant that Matthew had to sleep in the family room, which was okay the first night when Ben was exhausted from being birthed. However, the second night sucked. Each time Benjamin fell asleep, I would place him in his bin and he would immediately wake up crying. Not wanting to wake up the baby girl next to us (or her mother), I would pick him back up to put him back to sleep. This happened all night. There was no co-sleeping in the hospital, so if he was in my bed, I was awake. I got no sleep until Matthew got to come back in in the morning.

8. Rules don't always work. Ben was supposed to sleep in his hammock beside the bed. But it worked out like the hospital. No matter how deeply he was sleeping, being set down woke him up, and being alone made him cry. So, instead of getting up and down 50 times a night and none of us sleeping, he moved into our bed and we all slept wonderfully. This kept us both sane and safe. Nursing doesn't only make babe sleepy, but also releases hormones to make mom sleepy. Knowing he was sleeping in our bed allowed us to arrange things accordingly, rather than us both falling asleep unexpectedly. Babies are all different. Things may not always work out as planned. Be willing to be lenient.

9. It can be overwhelming. Sometimes the realization washes over you that you are completely responsible for this little being, and you will be, 24/7, for the next 19 years. This isn't the most comforting thought when you are exhausted and need some alone time. Take a bath.

10. Diaper changes aren't that bad. Actually, they're kind of fun - a good bonding time, smiley, chatty time. And diapers are awesome. And, of course, smiles and chatter make everything worth it.

Bonus! 11. Not only do smiles and chatter make everything worth it, I think I love him most when he cries out of pain or fear - my heart hurts for him and all I want to do is hug him close and cuddle. He needs me. Sometimes, it seems too much, but as he learns to do things on his own, making me proud, I am also needed less. His independence is bittersweet. But it's sooooooooo nice to be able to lay him down on the bathroom floor and have the lights entertain him while I shower. And we can finally use his baby swing!

<3

Yesterday I went kayaking with this sexy face. 

It was quite tiring and I was a little grouchy by evening. So I got a pedicure. 

Hard to complain.

A Week of Love

Sunday

Matthew: Crazy!

Me: YOU'RE crazy!

Matthew: Crazy in love with YOU!

Monday

Matthew: Do you know what I love about coming home?

Me: What?

Matthew: You.

Tuesday

This one's a tie.

Matthew: Can I offer you a massage?

Matthew: It's hard work, what you do, and I really appreciate it. 

Wednesday

Today he came home with a pumpkin spice latte. Better than words :) Although when I finished belting out the words to Total Eclipse of the Heart (acapella), he did say, "That was very nice Honeyboo."

Thursday

Matthew: I love snuggling with you. You're so soft. 

Me: I love you

Matthew: I love you too, Honeyboo. I love your eyes and your mouth and your nose and your neck etc. . .

Friday

Matthew: I love you very much. 

Ok I know it's a simple one that gets said every day, but I thought I should include it because it's still my favourite. 

Saturday

Well this one's tough because Matthew took us to the fair and I got so many goodies. . . But we'll stick with words:

Me: If I went to prison for life, I don't think I'd expect you to stick around. 

Matthew: But I don't think I could find another soulmate. 

Matthew: I'll leave my back exposed so that the mosquitos attack me instead. But I understand why they'd prefer you - you're much sweeter.

Making faces

This morning we made faces. Behold:

Good times. 

A day in the life

Benjamin's day through photos (until dad came home from work and mom stopped taking photos).

This morning I woke up all sunshiny and sweet. Until I realized my diaper was full and my tummy was empty.

This was soon remedied and I had a bit of a nap and awoke happy once again. 

We went for a walk, which was very interesting until I passed out. 

Then we played on the deck. I enjoyed the shade. 

Mom enjoyed the sun. But I do not stay amused for long, and we quickly went back inside. 

Where I took a huge poop. 

And defeated my newborn diaper cover. I'm officially being moved to big boy diapers. 

My mother would not touch me when she transported me to the bath. I was unceremoniously wrapped up in my change pad cover. 

I really didn't mean to do it. I was very sorry and gave lots of cuddles. Being clean and fed made me sleepy, and I napped until daddy came home. 

P.S. Sorry for the poop picture. But it is pretty funny. 

Splendid Spring :)

I've been putting off writing for a while, with the excuse of exams to study for and whatnot, but really I think I'm just getting to that point where even getting up to go to the bathroom is exhausting! That being said, we've had a fairly exciting spring thus far (at least, to me).

We took a fun-filled mini-vacation to Tofino, one last hurrah before Baby! We enjoyed snow AND sun, did some whale watching and kayaking, and even got a little sunburnt.

When we got back, I had my finals. SO not thrilling! But having them finished is a huge relief (even though I am checking the website for grades every hour or so - why are they not up yet?!?). Not long (hopefully) before I find out if I am an official graduate. . .

Blew off some studying steam with some more kayaking.

Matthew thought we should "stare off into the distance"

And as a glorious graduation present, the bookcase Matthew bought me for my birthday finally arrived! It is beautiful and not broken and it fits all of my books! And then he bought me my dream couch. I could just live in my living room right now. 

Now for a baby update! We had a non-stress test and ultrasound today, and discovered that our baby is exactly average. The non-stress test recorded 20 minutes of Baby's heart rate, which was pretty constant between 140-150 (normal is 120-160). Then the ultrasound told us that all of Baby's measurements are "bang on" for his age (32 weeks 5 days), all evidence of my subchorionic hemorrhage has disappeared,  he is head down (good baby) and he is, indeed, a boy. I'll be kept pretty busy for the next 7 weeks with weekly non-stress tests and biweekly Dr.'s appointments, but hopefully it will not be any more than 7 weeks! And I don't think it will be - braxton hicks contractions are driving me crazy, so I'm telling myself that all this prepping means all will be ready soon.

I think the hand on his forehead signifies that he will be a dramatic one.

February!

It has been a busy month! First of all, we found out that we are having a boy :)

I am a lot more excited about this than I thought I would be. True, I don't get to buy pretty little dresses, but think of all the money I will save on clothes and accessories! I think over the years a boy will mean more fun, less drama (although maybe more cuts and bruises) and sports games to watch in the sun and the rain! But I think what makes me most excited is seeing how happy Matty is. He was overjoyed to find out we were having a boy :) His words were, "of course it's a boy, sneaking into the egg that way - 'excuse me, may I come in for a moment? I think I may have forgotten my coat. . . Pretty sure it's in there somewhere. . .'". Sounds like we may have a sly one.

For my birthday, I requested a DQ ice cream cake. It came complete with a honeybear. So cute.

A couple of days later, we hit 24 weeks, which happened to coincide with a big kids sale at Pearkes, where we picked up tons of used clothes. Not only was Matthew happily by my side shopping for baby stuff, he was also the first one to pick up a onesie and say, "look how cute this one is. We're buying it." When I saw our massive pile at the end and said, "our baby will never be able to wear all those clothes!" he responded with, "that's ok, look how cheap!" I am so grateful to have someone who is not only incredibly supportive, but also excited to be a part of everything. So much love.

24 weeks

Baby Lebold

Back in October, Matty and I came to the realization that my period was running late. The next morning, we huddled in the bathroom together as we anxiously awaited the pregnancy test results. We did not even peek until the designated waiting period was over, at which point, Matt picked the test up off the counter and said, "we're having a baby!" After a ton of hugging, we spent a beautiful day walking the pier in Sidney, celebrating with ice cream and dinner, in that order.

After that initial discovery, we were both full of emotion, prominently excitement. Over the months, that excitement has grown along with our baby. However, I think in any pregnancy, excitement is coupled with an initial feeling of fear, whether it be a fear of finances, of a life changing experience, of being able to provide the best for your future child, or a fear of the mistakes you know you will make, the decisions that will turn out to be wrong. Then there is the fear of the pregnancy itself. Is your body cooperating properly? Did the baby implant correctly? Even if your baby can survive through those first  precarious months, will you ever get to hear those first cries? Will you get to see from who's side of the family she gets her eyes? After the death of Laura, it is all too real to me that nothing is a guarantee. Everyone's days are numbered. Sometimes, they do not get to begin. 

Our fears were vindicated at just six weeks. After a vast amount of bleeding, I was scheduled for an ultrasound, and was only slightly relieved by the sight of my baby's heart beating.  I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma - essentially a blood clot. It reopened at 10 weeks, and again at 11, and I have been losing the blood from this ever since. Now at 20 weeks, the ultrasound technician has informed us that it appears to all be old blood, and no longer a cause for concern, but I can expect to continue losing this blood for a while yet. It is no longer a fear, but an annoyance. The biggest perk of pregnancy is the lack of period. Thank you, life, for taking that away from me. Thankfully, our baby continues to grow perfectly, has a strong heartbeat, and loves to kick. 

At week 15, it was appropriate that we were counting down the days until Christmas, as our baby was the size of a navel orange.

A couple of weeks ago, I said to Matty, "If you call me Honeyboo, and I call you Honeybee, then what do we call our baby?" Without hesitating, he replied, "Honeybear." At week 19, Honeybear had grown to the size of a mango (which we ate with breakfast).

At 20 weeks we celebrated our halfway point with another trip to the beach.

And an ultrasound!! 

Now we just wait until February 4th to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. The waiting is always the hardest point. For us, the doctors appointments and ultrasounds are not so much, "do we buy blue or pink?" as they are, "is our baby healthy?", but we are still incredibly stoked to find out! Dresses or overalls?