After that initial discovery, we were both full of emotion, prominently excitement. Over the months, that excitement has grown along with our baby. However, I think in any pregnancy, excitement is coupled with an initial feeling of fear, whether it be a fear of finances, of a life changing experience, of being able to provide the best for your future child, or a fear of the mistakes you know you will make, the decisions that will turn out to be wrong. Then there is the fear of the pregnancy itself. Is your body cooperating properly? Did the baby implant correctly? Even if your baby can survive through those first precarious months, will you ever get to hear those first cries? Will you get to see from who's side of the family she gets her eyes? After the death of Laura, it is all too real to me that nothing is a guarantee. Everyone's days are numbered. Sometimes, they do not get to begin.
Our fears were vindicated at just six weeks. After a vast amount of bleeding, I was scheduled for an ultrasound, and was only slightly relieved by the sight of my baby's heart beating. I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma - essentially a blood clot. It reopened at 10 weeks, and again at 11, and I have been losing the blood from this ever since. Now at 20 weeks, the ultrasound technician has informed us that it appears to all be old blood, and no longer a cause for concern, but I can expect to continue losing this blood for a while yet. It is no longer a fear, but an annoyance. The biggest perk of pregnancy is the lack of period. Thank you, life, for taking that away from me. Thankfully, our baby continues to grow perfectly, has a strong heartbeat, and loves to kick.
At week 15, it was appropriate that we were counting down the days until Christmas, as our baby was the size of a navel orange.
A couple of weeks ago, I said to Matty, "If you call me Honeyboo, and I call you Honeybee, then what do we call our baby?" Without hesitating, he replied, "Honeybear." At week 19, Honeybear had grown to the size of a mango (which we ate with breakfast).
At 20 weeks we celebrated our halfway point with another trip to the beach.
And an ultrasound!!
Now we just wait until February 4th to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. The waiting is always the hardest point. For us, the doctors appointments and ultrasounds are not so much, "do we buy blue or pink?" as they are, "is our baby healthy?", but we are still incredibly stoked to find out! Dresses or overalls?
